Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Jason Collins vs. The Conservative Media In The Form of The Adorable Ben Shapiro

29 year-old right wing blogger and Editor-at-Large of conservative megasite Breitbart.com, Ben Shapiro made headlines yesterday for mocking the breaking news that Jason Collins, a twelve-year NBA veteran and current center for the Washington Wizards was coming out, and would be the first openly gay athlete in American professional sports.

Who is Ben Shapiro?

Ben wrote a "best-selling" book titled BULLIES, in which he complains about the political left wing "bullying" those on the right to change their beliefs. I put "best-selling" in quotes because think tanks and organizations on both sides typically buy flame-throwing books in bulk in order to inflate the book's sales to enhance the appearance of wide-spread support for the book's inflammatory positions, then use the books as gifts, swag, bribes for event ticket-purchasers, etc.

In BULLIES he asserts that the left uses its godless, socialist, media-might to intimidate right wingers into silence, shame and other humiliating positions of subjugation, which is why real Americans must endure things like equal pay for women, gays in the military, a black president... Because they're shamed into accepting these politically correct false constructs of guilt-ridden middle class whites, not because there is, say, an inherent American interest in equality and shame in institutionalized misogyny and bigotry.

Anyway, this gentleman scholar has done so much living in his 29 years he not only understands the complex left-right, psycho-political dynamics of all political issues, he also understands what it's like to be gay in America. Not because he is gay- he's married TO A WOMAN, thank you- but because being gay is just another disability, like being an amputee, or cataracts sufferer. Or maybe it's like being some weird but charming ethnicity, like Eskimo [both sentiments retweeted by Ben Shapiro]. Either way, he gets it.

He also gets basketball. Just yesterday, when Collins came out in Sports Illustrated, Ben tweeted that he was a "bad player." Sure, Collins has lasted twice as long as the league average six years, a remarkable feat for any baller, but he's a bad player because he doesn't contribute many points or rebounds to the teams that, for some odd reason, keep signing him. Maybe they haven't checked in with Ben? He would enlighten them by stating Jason Collins must be a bad player because he hasn't been in Sports Illustrated before. Ben tweets that this should be the real story...

It's hard to tell if he's relying on his knowledge of professional team sports or his experience as a best-seller for this particular pitch. For whatever it's worth, Collins has been in SI over 20 times, but Ben doesn't read SI, so it doesn't count. He probably doesn't play team sports, either, so it's totally fine that he would be confused as to how someone with low minutes and low statistical contributions could be valuable to an NBA team yet would tweet as if he knew anything about sports.

Ben doesn't care that last year more gays were murdered because of their orientation than ever before (at least according to our records, which are incomplete, because, well, the Bens of the world have prevented us from keeping track of this sort of thing for a looong time).

Ben doesn't care that bullied gay teens sometimes see suicide as their only escape from their tormenters, after their pleas for help- if they're able and willing to plea for help- are ignored by parents, principals or other authority figures. I mean, don't get me wrong, Ben Shapiro HATES BULLIES, but it's only really cruel when the bullies are like, The Huffington Post and the victims are Ben, or, say, Ann Coulter.

Ben doesn't think Jason Collins is a hero because he didn't storm the beaches at Normandy, he's not a middling Republican congressional candidate, and he's not a mysoginist talk show host. Basically if Ben really, really likes you, you're a hero (but, guys, seriously, he has to like, really like you).

Ben doesn't think you're a hero unless you take a risk, because, "...This is not 1997 with Ellen. Bravery requires risk." Guys, it's no longer a risk to be openly gay in ALL OF AMERICA! Ben, of course, is assuming all of America is like... let's see, where does Ben live... Los Angeles. Well. Geez, Ben, LA? Really? Most of America is about 20 years behind LA in progressive issues. But what do I know. I'm not Ben Shapiro, 29 year-old professional conservative blogger and the real victim of bullying... by, like, MSNBC or something.

If there's one thing Ben does know, it's that suggesting Jason Collins isn't the biggest deal in the world is sure to get you bullied by the left wing media cabal. Poor Ben, once again a victim of the socialist, PC media police. I smell another "best-seller" in the works! Most of the people yelling at him on Twitter were angry because he stated outright that Jason Collins is not brave, courageous, heroic, or a good basketball player, but whatever, to Ben it felt like people were angry because he just didn't get caught up with all the backslapping. See, he's a cool guy. He reserves his praise for the real heroes, other pundits and middling wannabe congressmen.

The only problem, though... Ben is a fucking clueless gas bag.

He's jealous of the attention a gay, black liberal is getting for coming out, because it threatens the white male superiority he was promised at some point in his young life. Like most bigots, instead of facing his fears he's chosen to cry out as a victim of mistreatment, of abandonment, of progressive bullying and political correctness run amok.

It's difficult to tell what Ben is most clueless about.

Could it be the dangers that gay teens face at the hands of, in some cases, alpha males who have been either beaten or brainwashed into hating them? Possibly. It would explain why he's missed the significance of Jason Collins coming out in one of the most alpha arenas of all.

Could it be sports? Possibly. Ben is feeble, with small hands and soft skin. It's unlikely he's ever taken or delivered a hit, let alone twelve years of them in professional arenas around the world. I would be surprised if he even follows sports, as sports coverage tends to be plagued by talk of "heroic" acts by (often) minorities- overcoming obstacles, dedicating oneself to striving for greatness against all odds, giving back to their communities and those less fortunate, inspiring young people to be their best selves. Gross. Right, Ben? I know. Wake me up when they storm Normandy, host a right wing talk show or write for a big blog.

Could it be his own lack cluelessness? Certainly. He's only 29. He's dedicated his short life to conservatism, which means from childhood he's been taught to look backwards and never forwards. It's hard to imagine someone who is raised to believe that the good old days were actually good old days would have any concept of what life for young gays, or gay minorities can be like in alpha America.

Could it be the concept of bullying? Ben sees himself and his fellow Real Americans on the right as victims of bullying, because media outlets- and a majority of Americans- don't let them get away with institutionalized misogyny, bigotry, racism. Though it's a far cry from being murdered for your personal sexual orientation, Ben believes he and, say, Glenn Beck deserve more praise than Jason Collins, for they are fighting the good fight to return America to a time when... Well, I'd love to know when. Before gays could serve openly in our military? Earlier? Before integration? Before voting rights for women? Ben? When were those good old days?

Yes, it's hard to tell what Ben is most clueless about. But one thing is for certain: the child is fucking clueless.